I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
love makes seman taste better
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
