with your own penis?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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