I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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