I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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