This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
