oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you win again, gameday.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
