seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
