you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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