____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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