I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
