What a fucking waste of an outfit
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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