I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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