i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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