Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
