Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
