I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
