dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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