so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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