What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
