wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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