I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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