i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
