ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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