Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
