did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
