I met the friendliest cop last night
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
