2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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