im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
