Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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