It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
