Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
