i need an iv and a liver transplant
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
