go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
