Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Randomize
