Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
