I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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