I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
