I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
