Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
