you guys were way drunker than both of me
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
