The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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