too bad you live with your parents still
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
