The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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