I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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