At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
