you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
