I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
