I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
