I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
