Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
