tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
