mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
