someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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