she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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