Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you had me at cake vodka
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
