I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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