P.S. I can't hear my feet
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
