oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
