If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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