What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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